Re-write your "victim" story.

"I hate my career, my relationships always fail, I’m isolated, nothing ever goes my way, everyone is out to get me".  When this type of language is said by you, or someone you know, it's living a “victim” story.   This type of identity is all about playing small.  Playing small means actions are motivated by fears, insecurities and low self-worth.  It sucks.  It’s debilitating.

I see a lot of guys who are in that “victim” mode.  They feel powerless.   I also love those guys.  I relate to them because I was them.  And I get fired up knowing if they’re at the point where they’re talking to me…getting help, getting a means they’re tired of being the victim in their own life and things are about to change for them in a big way!

They’re about to take actions that are motivated by what brings them true fulfillment and deep satisfaction.  It is a slower, focused, and more deliberate way of living.  It’s about growth, learning, taking steps forward everyday and playing big.

Whether we play small or big has nothing to do with the size of our accomplishments, or with external, objective measurements; it’s about the underlying beliefs and assumptions that are driving our actions.

Here are my top tips for re-writing your own victim story and learning to play big  — so you can take action and create the life you really want.


Acknowledge to yourself that the human struggle is real.  You are unique in many profound ways.  Feeling pain, having setbacks, being hurt, getting jealous, being envious does not make you unique.  Every single person has these in their lives too.  Remind yourself," it’s ok.  I’m normal”.  Validate your feelings and emotions  “Of course I felt this feeling, or had this setback.  I’ve been treating myself as the victim”.


That feeling of being stuck can sometimes occur because we think everything needs to be “perfect" before we can even start.  Committing to this idea means we disconnect from our deeper awareness and desires.  We don’t listen to that inner voice that is telling us something isn’t right, it’s time for action.   This keeps us stuck in lousy relationships, careers, and situations. Commit to taking action on the experiences you want most in your life — love, connection, play, growth.  


Stop the blame game, complaining and pointing fingers.  Get curious about the root of the issue, acknowledge and validate the problem. Then ask yourself "what do I REALLY want?”.  Take action on the answer.   A small step forward is all that is needed to build momentum.


When we look at everything as a problem, the only thing we see are problems.  By shifting our mindset to one of looking at challenges as opportunities  we start to see only solutions.  Those things we want - love, energy, peace - are on the other side of temporary discomforts.  This takes practice and it works great!


Peace of mind and the relief you’re seeking is in the present moment — not at the end of a to-do list or arbitrary finish line. If you really care about your quality of life, slow down.  Practice gratitude of all you have in the moment.  Then slow down some more.


Many people will look to getting love, getting money, getting “things” to make them happy.  True fulfillment comes from ‘giving’.  Get outside of yourself. 


It’s a huge trap to attach our self-worth and well-being to our accomplishments and the judgments of others. Negative self-image breeds neediness and toxicity that destroys everything we care about. Our most important relationship is with ourselves, which is why it’s critical to learn to become your own best ally.


Many of us believe we can’t take the time or energy to do things that feed us physically, energetically, emotionally, and spiritually.  This may be beneficial in specific situations, but in the long term, this pattern of deprivation kills our performance, as well as our enjoyment of life. This is also a scarcity/fear mindset. In order to truly focus on what strengthens you, learn to receive, recover, and reinvigorate.

If you’re struggling with a “victim” mindset.  Or you know someone who is.  It doesn’t have to be that way.  Contact me today.  

This is your life. Live it optimally.



Andy Bates